So, I just bought a new phone, a Samsung Note 4, (Android,) and boy, was it a lousy experience!

Too complicated bundling options

To start off, the experience was becoming a bit lousy even before the purchase, with all the incredibly complicated options on offer, which make selecting a plan quite an ordeal. Frankly, I think bundling services (mobile connectivity) with products (the phone) should be prohibited.

Unwanted applications

Anyhow, so I bought the phone. Upon booting, it went through a lengthy process of installing applications I never asked for.. Finally, I arrived at the first interactive screen, which promptly went blank.

Screen times out while charging.

So, here is a riddle for you: if my phone is plugged into the USB port and charging, then why the hell is the screen switching off every 15 seconds?

Misleading “Dexterity” options

On this first interactive screen the phone asked me to select a language, and allowed me to either “Start”, (whatever this may mean,) or set up accessibility first. I tapped accessibility just out of curiosity. In the following “Accessibility settings” screen, there were entries for “Vision” and “Hearing”, which were of no interest to me, but there was also an entry for “Dexterity and interaction”, which I was very pleased to see, as I happen to be left-handed. So, I selected that entry, only to discover, to my disappointment, that it actually has nothing to do with dexterity. There is no option where the user can specify whether they belong to the unexciting right-handed majority or the very special, if I may say so myself, left-handed minority. Modern mobile phones still appear to simply not care at all to switch a few screen elements around on the screen so as to accommodate left-handed people.

Annoying popups

While in that menu I received the following annoyance: a popup asking me whether I would like to allow google to regularly check device activity for security problems, and prevent or warn about potential harm, with the option of declining or accepting. I had no idea what that meant, and there was no direct way of finding out, so I had no option but to decline, which is of course very annoying. About a minute later, the exact same screen popped up again, asking me the same question, so I had to decline again. This popup appeared in front of me a total of 4 times while using my phone and writing this text. On at least one occasion the popup disappeared all by its own, without me having to select “Decline”. This brings annoyance to a whole new level.

Stuff in Dutch

At the bottom of the “Accessibility settings” screen there was a very interesting “Protect” entry, which lead to a screen all written in Dutch, presumably because I happen to be located in Holland. I had just selected that my language is English, so I was not expecting to see any Dutch in front of me. At all. Ever.

So, maybe I would have been interested to know what that protection stuff was all about, but if that protection stuff was created by people who can’t get a simple language selection right, then it cannot possibly be any good at protecting me from anything, right?

Lame navigation designed by idiots, for idiots

At the bottom of the “Accessibility settings” screen there was a “Next” button. This is somewhat confusing and quite annoying, because I came to this screen from the main menu, which had its own “Next” button, so I would expect to have to first go back to the main menu and then go to whatever “Next” is.

The “Next” button led to a “Wi-Fi” screen. There was no “Back” button. Pressing the “back” hardbutton took me back to the main screen. Clicking the “Start” button from the main screen brings me again to the “Wi-Fi” screen. Whatever. I guess I have to get used to navigation for idiots.

The monstrous EULA

The next screen was “EULA & Diagnostic Data”. The EULA must have been like 20k of plain text, and it was deliberately shown through a small window covering about one-third of the total screen area as a hint that you should not even attempt to read it.

I don’t know and I don’t care what kind of radical reformation of the Legal systems of the Western World it would take to get rid of this madness, but really, we should all be working hard towards a world where legal documents of this kind are prohibited by law. If you can’t say it in five short sentences that the average 18-year old can understand, then you should not be allowed to even try to convince people to consent to it.

So, I had to accept it in order to proceed, and I have no idea what I accepted, I may have given my home over to some Korean guy for all I know. Perhaps my wife, too.

Lies about NFC

After a brief pause to “check connection” and another for a “software update”, I was taken to a “Tap & Go” screen, which suggests that I can quickly copy any google accounts, backed up apps and data from my old Android device, by having my two devices touch each other. Which is of course a damned lie, because that would only work if my old device was also equipped with NFC. But I suppose that “truth” is sometimes a bit too technical and a bit too uncool to mention. I wonder if they burst out in evil laughter, thinking of the millions of people who will be wasting their time touching their devices and trying to get “Tap & Go” to work despite the fact that it can’t. The scourge of the modern world is information design done by marketing people. So, okay, skip.

First application crash during device setup

On the next “Setup your account” screen, I entered my email, and when I hit next, I was told that “unfortunately, google play services has stopped” and I was taken back to the EULA screen. Need I mention how disillusioning it is to experience your first application crash as early as during device setup?

What is my e-mail and password being used for?

Fortunately, a second attempt worked. The screen said “By signing in, you agree to the Terms of Service and Privacy Policy”, which I could have clicked to read if I wished to, but of course I did not, in order to spare myself from the aggravation. There was also a “Don’t sign in” option, which begs the question why it is only shown to me after I was asked to enter my e-mail and password. Or maybe this means that the email and password I just entered will be used for some unknown stuff, and if I now do this unknown thing they call “sign in” it will be used for some additional unknown stuff. This is driving me nuts.

So, I am their bitch now

After a “Checking info” pause, I was taken to a “Set up payment info” screen, where I suppose filthy rich people who don’t know what to do with their money actually do go ahead and enter their credit card info. They enter it. On the phone. Just because they were asked to. Right. Note that there is no “Skip” option; the best you can choose is “Remind me later”. Because of course you will be spending money on their shit; you bought their phone, you are their bitch now.

Stupid software trying to look smart

After a “Just a sec…” pause, I was taken to a “Get your apps & data” screen, where I was told that I could setup my phone from a backup of my old phone which was last used 1 day ago. The problem here is that my old phone was not last used 1 day ago, it was used just now. So, this is software trying to look smart by boasting knowledge of things it knows nothing about, and of course getting it wrong. Anyhow, I agreed, and I edited the list of apps that I would like to have transferred, to see what kind of magic google will do to move all that stuff from one phone to the other.

Second application crash during device setup

The next screen was “Google services”, where I agreed to back up my phone’s apps, app data, settings, personal dictionaries, and Wi-Fi passwords using my Google Account so I can easily restore later. I also agreed to use Google’s location service to help apps determine location. I unchecked “Help improve location services” and “Help improve your Android experience”. On this screen, I also received a popup saying “Unfortunately, Google Calendar Sync has stopped”. Who is Google Calendar Sync, what is he doing on my phone, and why has he stopped doing it?

Extremely annoying chaotic navigation

Then I decided to tap “<” to review what apps of the old phone will be transferred to the new phone, but instead of the “Get your apps & data” screen I was taken to an as of yet unseen “Account added” (“Your account is ready for use”) screen. Hitting “<” once again took me all the way back to the EULA screen. Hitting “Next” from there went through the “Checking connection” and “Software update” screens, and then landed me on the “Account added” screen again. So, there is no way to go back to the “Get your apps & data” screen. Apparently the wiz kids at google have invented the “Back” button that takes you to new places, and the important settings screen that vanishes and cannot be found again.

Yes, I am sure

The next screen was the “Samsung account” screen. Of course I hit skip, and then the annoying assholes at Samsung presented me with an “Are you sure?” popup. So, skip times two, it is.

Speaking in riddles

The next screen was some “Find my mobile” screen, by Samsung again, because I suppose the previous two taps on “Skip” were not enough for them to understand that besides buying their hardware, I want to have nothing to do with them. The text reads: “Protect your device in case it is lost or stolen by stopping other people from reactivating your device after it has been reset”. Which, of course, requires an understanding of several unknown words in order to make sense. Like, what does “protect” mean? What does “stopping” mean? What does “reactivating” mean? What does “reset” mean? And no, I am not an idiot, nor was I born yesterday, I am a Software Engineer with 30+ years of experience, and I have this very important message for you: no matter who you are, if you think you know what these terms mean, you don’t. Also, statistically, as a member of the general public, you should not even pretend to know what these terms mean. Anyhow, my mom taught me to never agree to things I don’t understand. So, “Next”.

Botched device name

The next screen reads “Samsung Galaxy” and “Thank you!”. Then it shows the “device name”, which is my first name followed by “(Galaxy Note”. Apparently, my name and the entire phone name did not fit; however the device name was being presented to me as a statement of fact, there was no option to change it to something else. As I later found out, it is possible to replace this name with something shorter by renaming the mobile device when you see it on Windows Explorer.

Oh they have selected some apps for me!

After all this I clicked “Finish”, and the home screen of the phone appeared in front of me, only to disappear again immediately and be replaced by some “Vodafone Start” screen, where Vodafone is suggesting that I tap on “Next” to discover the Apps Vodafone has selected for me. Fuck off Vodafone!

Lies about internet connectivity

So, then, finally, the home screen of my phone appears in front of me, and I can use it.

I accidentally tap on what I thought was empty screen, but as it turns out, it was part of the weather widget, so the weather widget informs me that the weather is updated once every 6 hours, and I may increase the frequency of the updates, but this may incur additional charges. Which is a fucking lie, because I am on Wi-Fi.

The annoying bubbles

Then, I let my screen timeout, and upon bringing the phone back to life again, the home screen has disappeared, and it has been replaced by some annoying animated bubbles. I do not find the bubbles offending per se, but what I do find offending is that the designers of the bubbles took it for granted that their sense of aesthetics should be found agreeable by me. I tap on the phone and it does not react, it only beeps, so it looks like I have been locked out of my own phone. To add insult to injury, the bubbles do react to my tapping, as if they are mocking me: they are dancing inside my phone, I am locked outside.

It turns out that a swipe lets me use the phone again, but the fact that a swipe is required was not advertised anywhere, which is annoying. I mean, they went through the trouble of adding the fucking animated bubbles, and they did not bother adding some kind of visual indication that a swipe is needed at that point?

Found my location. Now what?

So, after the swipe, a new screen appears out of nowhere, and a popup on top of it asks me to consent to providing my current location. I consent, so it searches for my current location, it displays it, and that’s it. Just a screen showing the name of the city I am in, and nothing else. No “Done”, no “Next”, no “Select this and proceed”. In certain areas the user interface is very unpolished.

The fucking “google hangouts”

A huge number of notifications is on the notification bar. One of them says “new messages from…” and lists a number of friends. I click on it, and suddenly google hangouts appears in front of me. I try to go “Back”, but it does not react to the “Back” hardbutton. The only option it leaves me with is “Okay, got it”, but I do not want to consent that I got it, because I did not get it, I do not even want to get it, I want google hangouts to leave me alone. I go to settings, application settings, application manager, I swipe all the way to the “running” tab, I search for google hangouts, it does not appear to be in the list. Then I notice an entry which says “hangouts”. I try to click it, but it disappears before I touch. I search for it in the list, it is nowhere to be found.

I back out of the application manager, I am in hangouts again. I hit the “recent apps” button to go back into the application manager, but a new popup appears, informing me about new multi window features. (FUCK YOU!) I search for google hangouts in the running apps, it is still not there. I tap the “Active applications” button in the “recent apps” screen, the list is empty. Google hangouts somehow decided to leave me alone, but all this makes for a very chaotic experience.

More lies about internet connectivity

To my horror I discover that mobile data is turned on. I go turn it off, and I am presented with a popup which says that I will no longer be available to use applications such as the internet. Which is a fucking lie, because I am on Wi-Fi.

Undiscoverable user interface features

One of the most useful icons on my home screen has always been the little counter which counts how many applications are running. I go to “Apps” and try to find it, but it is not there. I reckon it must be a widget, not an app. I look around for widgets, but there is no menu of any kind that mentions widgets anywhere. Finally, I realize that in order to get to the widgets I have to find an area of the screen which is unused, and long-tap on it to enter a special mode that allows placement of pages and insertion of widgets. Undiscoverable user-interface features are beyond lame.

When “none” is not really “none”

Page flipping has some fancy kitsch transition effect that causes me nausea. I set it to “None”. Actually, even “None” is not really “None”, it is a horizontal animation with an inertial effect. But it is the simplest available, and that makes it the most agreeable as far as I am concerned.

The fucking “flipboard briefing”

While flipping the pages this annoying “Briefing” thing keeps showing up even though I did not ask for it. A closer examination reveals that the leftmost page is not really a page, it is this whole brand spanking new awesome spiffy and utterly useless to me feature for reading stuff. So every time I swipe to the leftmost page, this annoying thing is popping up. After much searching, I finally find a way to remove it: in the “Home screen settings” page there is a “Flipboard Briefing” setting which needs to be unchecked.

I hate this modern fashion of coming up with “cool” short names for apps that give no hint as to what they are about. Sure, once you know what the app is about, the name might make sense and act as a mnemonic. But to the uninitiated, “Flipboard Briefing” means absolutely nothing. I know, for the guys who built this app, it was their daily everything for possibly a year or more. But really, to me, it means nothing, and I find it extremely annoying that I am essentially being invited to learn what this nonsensical name actually stands for before deciding whether I am interested in it or not. So, I think I will just skip directly to not being interested in it. Which was my default condition before hearing of its existence, by the way.

The fucking “profile sharing”

A notification pops up that says “Profile Sharing” and “Show your profile image to your friends”. There is no hint as to who is showing this notification, what technologies it involves, who the fuck do they think my friends are, why the fuck would I be showing any information at all to them, let alone my profile picture, etc.

I would very much like to know what bloody application is showing this notification, in order to uninstall it, but I do not even want to click on the notification, so I just dismiss it.

The fucking “beaming service”

Another notification says “Beaming Service is Ready” and “The Samsung preinstalled Beaming Servic…” – who the fuck asked for this service to be preinstalled, who the fuck requested that it be made “ready”, and what the fuck is this beam – no, actually, I don’t even care to know what the fuck it is beam, I just wish I was not bugged with this overwhelming pile of crap that I did not ask for and do not want to have anything to do with.

The fucking “vodafone start”

Another notification says “Resume Vodafone Start”; apparently, dismissing the annoying uninvited app was not enough, so now it will be pestering me with notifications.

The fucking “samsung quick connect”.

So, on the notification menu there are two new options, which are probably samsung-only. One says “S.Finder” and the other one says “Quick connect”. If you click on “Quick connect”, you are taken to a “Quick connect” screen which gives a few hints about the magic it supposedly does, has a “Turn on quick connect” button, and gives two rather confusing options: to turn it on as always visible, or to turn it on only when quick connect is turned on. Of course this makes no sense, so you read the text more carefully, and now it appears that it is asking whether the device should be visible to other devices at all times, or only when quick connect is turned on. Which, in light of the fact that you are about to turn on quick connect, does not make much more sense either. If you hit “Back” from that screen, the pestering little fuckers hit you with an annoying popup saying “Update Quick Connect”, and “A new version is available. Update now?”

. A screenshot that was captured earlier is now adorned in the notification menu with some crap which I believe was not there before, about sharing it or editing it and stuff. So, going back to the “Quick connect” and “Turn on quick connect” screen, I select “Only when quick connect turned on” and click on “Turn on quick connect”, and I see the “Update Quick connect” popup again. I cancel it, and nothing else happens. So I go back to the notification menu, select “Quick connect” again, and some previously unseen screen opens up, but it is immediately covered by the “Update Quick connect” popup so I cannot use it. I cancel the popup, and everything disappears. So, it is impossible to go back to the “Quick connect” screen again. The fucker secured my consent to turn itself on, and now it won’t run unless I consent to also updating it. Also, I cannot find any way of disabling it, since there is no “Quick connect” app in the apps. This is a serious time waster and seriously driving me nuts.